Headspace at the End of the Leash

November 24, 2011 § Leave a comment

Written in March 2007.

i want you to
collar me
claim me
make me
– yours –
(as i am already, so
I suppose it’s more of a
claiming on
your part)

bind me
to you, to this, to earth
with rope with chain with hands
with will alone

i’ll fight
you know i will
i don’t give up control easy
(it terrifies me
even if it isn’t truly given up
only handed over
illusory
sub in control and all that
but it’s the illusion
that feeds us
and this
isn’t it?)

my thoughts are broken into shards
caught between asking and my pride
i’m sorry for the faltering

but this is so
hard
to
say

I am In Control of Me
and Mine and My Environment
and I Must Be In Control
especially – oh most importantly –
of My Self . . .

all my life
terrified
of loss of control
because I’ve had too little
because I’ve had too much
or clung too tight to the
few controls that are mine
and no other’s
(like emotion kept frigid and locked away because I can control it damnit and
parts of my body like the blade to the skin and
any little scrap of life that is Mine and Mine Alone to hold and
that isn’t as much as I’d like, most days)
and I hate/distrust the things I can’t control
that affect me too much
like the feelings and the little addictions
that refuse to bow to the might of my logic-mind
and the changes that storm through my life without warning
without me being able to do anything about them
because my gods say “you will deal with this
you must let go of this
you shall change for the better”
and open those doors that I don’t want to notice
open those ways that I don’t want to think about
or deal with
and every reminder that I Am Not In Control
sends me grasping tighter to that which I do
have control over
or might have control over
(like emotion locked away to numbness)
and I stretch rigid until I

crack

but

you know all this.
i’ve said it and you’ve
seen it and you’ve
said it and you
know.

. . . did you know I crave to let it go?

the control, i mean

it’s a burden to keep it all together
to be the ruler of my own heart and self
to try so hard to chain everything inside to
my reason and my thoughts and my wish
and then outside
to be the one
that people
keep
coming
to
as if i have the answers
as if i can help
and i suppose i can or do because
they keep coming back
(my akhu said
i control my own destiny
and others see this
and attach their destinies to me
for me to control
give up control to me
and i guess
that sometimes
i don’t have the
heart to say
“no
“no i can’t
“i have enough on my plate with
me, can’t you see
“that the strain is stretching me
“to breaking, why are you
“adding yourself to me
“just because i seem/am/appear/try to be
“in control and
“strong?”)

so this is why.

relieve me from walking myself
collar around my neck, the
end of the leash in my own mouth, it’s
kind of a silly sight, isn’t it?
feathery jackal walking themself
and tugging at the leash every so often
to keep themself from straying off the
well-defined own-defined strict-defined
path.

take the reins from my hands
take my controls
(i might resist, like i said
but only half-heartedly
because i want this
need this
even though all that’s ingrained in me
says i should never ever never give up
control to anyone or anything or
ever)

because when you bind me
to you, to earth, to sky
you gift me with the
freedom of
letting go
that i cannot seem
to give
myself

not without help.

free me
in bindings
of You.

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