Betrayal by Anatomy

May 20, 2012 § Leave a comment

there are emotions
tangled up in my cells –
memories embedded in knots of muscle
and twists of neurons,
feelings pushed down until they imprint,
weighty,
in my bones.

they release in strange ways,
stranger places,
barometric pressure freeing up the anger
in my knees,
or compressing out a stream of swollen sadness
in my wrists,
a sudden wave of feeling
nonsensical, no rational association –
even this: a swell of sentiment
(love/excitement/contentment/optimism)
bursting from the meat of my organs
only to be followed by a darker wave
of despair.

my neurons play turncoat.
i had my brain mapped, I knew
the ways it twisted in on itself, could
predict the rise and fall of serotonin, dopamin, could
surf each pitch and crest –

but they burned my heart to save my mind
(they, me, I –
don’t know who to blame anymore
for this botched surgery)
and now it’s growing back
sloughing off crisped flesh,
blackened cells,
dead muscle,
and what’s beneath is too, too raw

and meanwhile
emotions have secreted themselves
throughout my body,
hidden with memories patterned
into neural pathways rewritten
(poorly, erroneously,
this transformative virus
making a traitor of my head)
by events and environments,
action, reaction…

they release in a burst of blinding neurons
with every wrong move
(and some right ones),
unpredictable:
a twist of the spine,
a misstep, a touch,
most stretches,
until I am frozen by this –
a fear of motion.

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