beautiful nothing

November 24, 2011 § Leave a comment

Written in March 2007

there is
of me

dead-eyed dull-mind
flesh lumping beneath
cloth meant to
hide and
not quite failing
but I know
each ancient scar and
doughy ring of
fat that lurks
of failure
inability to
motivate to
control to
conquer this
body-sickness and all its
sugar-spikes carb-crashes
crippled knees just excuses
for a crippled couch-potato will

in me

bird within
feathers plucked
ripped to white
pins pricking out
of brown and
wings torn
phoenix is a joke
pale ashen gray
featherfalling fading
into coal and
limp, ragged, molt
into chicken-ugly
into anything


Thoughts on Empathy

November 13, 2011 § Leave a comment

Written in September 2005.

This is currently just a conglomeration of thoughts, my responses to a person’s email on an empathy YahooGroup. It will be revised into essay form eventually.

“What is it that I am dealing with here? Have I come to the right place, this group? Or am I losing my grip and really need a psychiatrist?”

You’re dealing with empathy. It’s not insane, it’s not you going crazy, it’s not some psychological disorder, you’re not being delusional. A good place to go for thoroughly-researched information on empathy is the
Universal Empath Report. A sort of “empathy 101” site and collection of essays. Read through that, first of all; it should help a bit.

“Is it possible to learn to shut people out?”

Yes, it’s called shielding. Call it a visualization, mind over matter, whatever you wish, if you’re not comfortable with more new-age-ish concepts and ideas. Perhaps it’s energy manipulation, perhaps it’s meditation or concentration on something other than emotion that shuts outside emotion out, but it works for a lot of people. Visualize a wall, bubble, sphere, whichever, all around you – above, below, around. Whatever visualization works for you. Build it piece by piece, brick by brick, or start it as a small bubble or egg in the palm of your hand that grows and grows till it surrounds you, keeping out everyone and everything else, containing you.

Some people visualize an egg, some a wall, some a bubble, some a globe of white light. For instance, A friend of mine has a highly sensitive 8-year-old daughter who gets easily overwhelmed when around too many people or too much emotion – one time, at a funeral of a person she didn’t even know, she started crying and couldn’t stop, almost seeming to have a sort of panic attack, because she was being so influenced by so many peoples’ emotions. She didn’t like the egg visualization, so my friend asked her what she thought would work. So her daughter visualized a banana peel around her, complete
with stem. If it works, use it!

I myself tend to visualize a globe of silver fire when I need to throw up a quick shield, or a thorough layered web overtop obsidian rock when I know I’m going into an emotionally charged situation and need strong impenetrable shields. I, however, hate shielding and do it only when others’ emotions get to be overwhelming, to the point where I feel like I’m going to panic or break down. Why? Because it feels like muting a vital sense, like putting cotton in my ears or having gauze over my eyes, or wearing gloves. I rely on my empathic sense more than I usually realize, when dealing with or reacting to people.

“Can a loss of a person or something similar heighten a person’s sensitivity? Is it permanent?”

Highly emotional occurances, often to the level of emotional trauma, tend to have an effect on one’s psyche, and that often extends to sensitivity. It can dull it, heighten it, shut it off altogether, or blow open previously inactive abilities, depending on the person and the event. It can be permanent, but not always, from what I understand.

“I also feel like I am invading people’s privacy. Can I learn to do this selectively? Is this really that unusual? Sometimes it is so strong that it almost feels like telepathy (although it is not). I can’t always put a name to the emotions I get from others — I just FEEL them, which makes it worse.”

Yes, you can do this selectively. Shield constantly, and just drop shields or send out “feelers” (reach out mentally to probe someone’s thoughts/emotions/sense) when you want to feel someone out, feel someone’s emotions. It’s not incredibly unusual; I know a fair amount of people with varying degrees of empathy, whether they call it that or not. Strong empathy, overwhelmingly strong, is a bit more unusual, but not insanely rare. I understand not being able to put a name to incoming emotions or feelings, though; I have the same problem at times as well.

“I still find it hard to believe that everyone can’t do this, thateveryone doesn’t have this ability. I have felt this for so long(although lately, as I mentioned, it has gotten more intense), that I always thought that this was just a normal thing.”

A lot of people I know believe that everyone’s empathic to some level – only sociopaths have absolutely no empathy, or completely blocked-off empathy. However, some people have stronger empathic sensitivity than others, and some people shut it off or block it off early on. You can imagine that some people just can’t deal with it, and so they do a sort of dissociation.

“What do the rest of you do? I mean, when you have strong feelingsfrom another person who needs you, and you need to share it with another, but you are afraid of how they will react to what you say?”

I have a couple pagan friends I can talk to. People who aren’t involved with mystical stuff, new-age type stuff, etc tend not to believe such things or be at all knowledgable about such things. I was accepting of my empathy and a couple other odd things before I ever converted (that the right word for the situation?) to paganism; I was christian before.

“Is there a way of SENDING, not just receiving, for those of us who have this…ability?”

Yes, it’s called empathic projection, but not everyone can do it, and the person you’re projecting to has to be aware of things or conscious of stuff to receive it (or realize what they’re receiving beyond mistaking it for their own feelings). I believe someone else already touched on this in reply to your posts.

The best way I’ve found to deal with empathy – the only way, besides blocking it all off with constant shielding – is to know yourself, your emotions, the way you react to things. And to be aware of yourself and your own emotions, at all times. That way, if you start feeling someone else’s emotions, you can recognize that it’s not *your* emotion, and you can deal with it accordingly. Oftentimes, when I start feeling any strong emotion, I stop and think “Why do I feel this way? What situation or thought caused this?” and if I can’t think of a reason for the emotion, then I start looking around me to see who else seems to be feeling it. If no one in the area seems to be feeling that emotion, then I pick up the phone and call the people I have strong connections to (my best friend, my boyfriend, and a teacher of sorts of mine) in order to see if they’re feeling that.

Differentiation between yourself and others is probably the most important part of dealing with empathic sensitivity, in my opinion.

Now, before I talk about psychometry or your issue with being connected with the one person you spoke with, I’m going to have to talk about something a little esoteric. If this strikes you as too new-age or too pagan or too damn insane to stomach, then just take it as a way of thinking about things or a way of visualizing. You’ve had psychological schooling; you’ve probably learned the power the mind has over the rest of the body/psyche/emotions/etc. So chalk the following up to that if it’s too much to believe straight away.

Everything has energy. This is a law of physics. Anything you do, whether it be talking, moving, whichever, expends energy. This energy has to go somewhere; it’s often taken in by other objects, the air, whichever. You jog for a while, you expend energy, you feel heated, the air around you heats a bit by taking in the energy you expend – it all works out. Logical so far?

Let’s take it a step further, to the realm of emotion and the metaphysical. When you chat with another person, you expend energy, and when they listen to you chat, they take in that energy. It’s an exchange of energy. You can consciously manipulate energy to certain ends, and this is what some people call “magic” – simple manipulations of existing energy. But that’s getting a little too esoteric, most likely, so I’ll move on.

Any energy exchange creates a link between the one who gave off the energy and the one who received it. This is evidenced in friendships, love relationships, and other types of relationships. The more time and effort and energy you put into any sort of relationship, the stronger it grows, and the stronger the connection between the two individuals becomes, forming a link, or even a strong bond in some cases. Sometimes energy impulses in whatever form (emotions, thoughts, impulses, etc) can pulse across this link, sent consciously or unconsciously.

Now we come to your connection. It sounds like you’ve formed a pretty strong connection with this other person, a fairly intense link through which emotion pulses strongly and regularly. As a bond, it can be cut, if need be. If you do not wish to have a link anymore, you can chop it off, but the stronger it is, the more painful and traumatic that severing is, and it takes a bit of esoteric knowledge. I don’t recommend it; when I had a link severed with an ex-boyfriend of mine, I was shaking and crying for ten minutes afterwards, and I thought I’d been over the man.

A different way to end a link, less painful but much more slow, is to stop thinking of the other person. Don’t contact them, don’t receive anything from them, shield the link, and without maintenance, the link should eventually fade. How long it’ll take I don’t know, and it can be very easily rebuilt, so it’s an iffy way of doing things.

If you wish to keep the link, however, as you seem to want, but want a way to deal with the amount and intensity of emotion coming through it, then you can just shield the link. I mentioned general shielding before, but those shields usually don’t automatically shut out links. You have to shield those separately or consciously, and if you have a very strong link to someone, stuff’s going to leak through no matter what. Use whatever visualization works for you, as before; I usually think of it as doors shutting, screen doors if I just want to mute things, or heavy safe doors if I want to shut as much out as possible.

Now, as for psychometry, the sensing of emotional residue from objects or places. I talked briefly about energy before. All energy has a flavor or a form – look at fire, electricity, wind, friction; they’re all energy, just taking different forms. Energy can be flavored or charged with emotion, and that can saturate an object or area. Visit the sanctuary of a very old church sometime; you’ll notice it. Or a funeral home, or a graveyard. Any place where there’s frequent amounts of strong emotion or a specific emotion will have the feel of it. The knife a depressed adolescent used mostly just for self-cutting will have a certain feel to it; an engagement ring exchanged between two people who genuinely, strongly love each other will have a completely different feel. And so on and so forth. Oftentimes you can pick up on that emotion, sometimes get an idea of what the object was used for or how or where or why, just by probing and concentrating much as you would in trying to pick up emotions off of someone.

I hope that helps!

“Feeling it this strongly and this… focused?… actually feels physically odd and quite literally electric (<— anyone else get that feeling? Is it normal?).”

For me, energy translates to a near-electric tingling on my skin or just under skin. The two very strong links I have with my closest companions feel as if they connect at my chest, so something coming through those links often feel like pressure in my chest, a tingling outward from the heart area, that sort of thing. Lesser links connect through arms, head, etc, and the tingling reacts accordingly in those areas. Others I’ve talked to sometimes experience tingling or reception of emotion as electric, static, warmth, etc, so it’s fairly normal as far as I know.

“I need more practice, but I want to do this gradually, because I’m afraid of accidentally cutting it off, rather than just temporarily blocking it out.”

Don’t worry too much about that; from what I understand, a link as strong as the one you’ve described can’t be cut off without great conscious difficulty, often needing the focus of ritual.

“When other people put walls up, I feel as if I have lost a sense, and it is very disorienting, like seeing someone’s lips moving but not being able to hear them speak. I don’t much care for that feeling.”

I know the feeling! It’s why I avoid shielding unless I have to. It’s like losing a valuable sense and is very off-setting.

Soul Pieces

November 13, 2011 § Leave a comment

Written in July 2006.

One of the concepts in Egyptian belief that makes most sense to me is the idea that there are many parts that make up a person. These are the khat, or physical body; the ba, or core eternal part of the soul; the ka, or spirit/double; the khaibit, or shadow; the ren, or true name; the sekhem, or essence; and the yb, or heart. I often use these terms in explaining some of my beliefs about reincarnation, selfhood, therianthropy, and multiplicity, among other concepts; they are convenient, useful terms. However, some of my interpretations of the various parts of the self differ from the widely accepted interpretations.

If you are interested in the basic traditional interpretation of the Egyptian concept of the self, there’s a decent write up of it here.

Following is my interpretation of the parts of the self. This may change as I learn more or as my paradigm evolves.

  • The khat is the physical body. This is what can be measured, felt, and seen. It includes the neurological and biological processes, and is the vehicle by which the soul usually experiences and affects the environment. Temperament and a number of other psychological traits have their source in the physical body, which also contains many perceptual “filters” that affect the reception and translation of external (and sometimes internal) information. It will eventually die and decay.
  • The ba is the soul: the core, eternal part of the self. It is akin to a spiritual version of temperament – it’s the base from which the self is built. The ba is the part that reincarnates. It retains impressions and colorings from past lives, but usually no more than brief flashes unless the life was very recent or had a significant impact on the ba. The ba is something like the Reclaiming idea of the Higher Self, that subconscious (or perhaps more accurately, supraconscious) part that is aware of and connected to the entirety of being, and especially the nonphysical realm; it’s also similar to the idea of the “inner self”, the version of a person with (supposedly) full memory of all past incarnations and interactions.
  • The ka is the spirit; it is you-this-life. Where the ba is the core, the ka is the flesh; the personality of ka overtop the temperament of ba. It is affected by the ba, and affects it in turn; life shapes the ka, as does the environment and the foundation of the ba. The ka is closely connected with physical existance; it is one’s consciousness, in a manner; it’s the part of a person that is generally aware. While the ba reincarnates after death, the ka does not. I’m not sure what happens with the ka after death. It either unites with the khaibit to become the akh, gets a spirit-body (called the sahu) and continues to the afterlife; or perhaps it remains on Earth as a sort of ghost; or perhaps it dissolves into reusable energy after death (though certainly not always).
  • The khaibit is the shadow, and is much like the Jungian shadow. It’s made up of all the parts that a person hides from herself and refuses to admit, or the parts that she buries for whatever reason. It is the dark mirror reflection of the soul. Much of it is made up of so-called “negative” traits (despair, anger, vengeance, etc) or “positive” traits that the person doesn’t allow herself (vulnerability, openness, even love), all of which, when viewed and used properly, can become aids and assets. It’s not a bad part, or even all that negative, but many people are afraid of it. If not dealt with, accepted, and integrated into the ka, the khaibit can linger after death as a ghost. Generally it stays with the body; sometimes it stays with a thing, place, or person the individual had a strong attachment to in life. It does not reincarnate but either fuses with the ka or remains as a ghost until released or until it fades in some manner (shattering, dissolving, etc).
  • The ren is the true name. It can sometimes be approximated in sound, but I don’t think it’s something spoken. It’s that which sums up the essence of a person; it contains all of who a person is. Some think the ren is one’s individual DNA. Others think it’s one’s energy signature. I think these are part of the ren (and can account for the Law of Contagion, since in Kemetic belief, knowing someone’s ren gave one power over that person). I don’t know precisely what the ren is, though; my mind can’t quite grasp the idea of something that encompasses the entirety of a person.
  • The sekhem is the power or essence; one’s “energy”, so to speak. I think this reincarnates along with the ba. The sekhem contributes greatly to one’s energy signature or “feel”. It is the personal core life-energy that one normally draws on; it can be supplemented or replenished by external energy through such exercises as grounding. It’s the pool or wellspring found at one’s center. It’s connected to (if not the same thing as) one’s will.
  • The yb is the heart or mind. I’d guess it’s a mix of the neural pathways that are the brain and the circulatory system of heart and blood. The Egyptians thought a person did their thinking and feeling with their heart, rather than their brain, so I think it could be safely said that the yb is the mind. It’s more connected with the sahu and ka, and does not reincarnate; it’s also the part that’s weighed against the Feather of Ma’at during the Weighing of the Heart in the Hall of Two Truths after death.

Why I Believe in Vampires

November 13, 2011 § Leave a comment

Written in August 2005.

Before saying “vampires are real” or “vampires don’t exist”, one must define what a vampire is. There’s as many definition of “vampire” as of “therianthrope”. Some people try to differentiate by using different spellings (vampyre as opposed to vampire), or using different names (kindred, kheprian, etc). Some use “vampire” as a blanket term and simply specify within the category – pranic vampire, lifestyler, psychic vampire, sanguine vampire, energy/astral/emotional vampire… the list goes on.

Among the people I associate with offline, we use a couple different terms to differentiate: lifestyler, feeder, and psychic vampire (PV). Sometimes “feeder” is replaced with “energy vampire”. I’ll define the above as I use them.

“Lifestyler” means the same as on the online vampire community. Lifestylers are those individuals who are infatuated with the vampiric image. They’re generally part of the goth subculture, wearing the leather, the trenchcoats, the capes; they have pale skin, they might wear fake fangs or colored contacts; some even go so far as to get their canines altered to look like fangs. These are the blood fetishists, the Anne Rice and Vampire: the Masquerade junkies, goths and roleplayers. They’re generally found in goth clubs and sanguinariums. Some lifestylers are vampires, but not all are; some vampires are lifestylers, but not all. The vampires I know have little respect for lifestylers.

The second term used is “feeder”, or sometimes “energy vampire”. These are individuals who feed, which is to say they pull in energy beyond normal human intake or using methods differing from most people (such as drawing from psychic energy, energy from a living being, typically human). They may or may not have an energetic need, but if they do have such a need, it can likely be repaired, or they can get the required energy through more than one source. Feeders are those that pull in psychic energy without actually needing to. It might be an addiction (I’ve heard more than one person describe feeding as addictive), it might be that they think they require it, it might be they don’t realize there are alternatives – there are many reasons that vary from feeder to feeder. The vampires I know have mixed reactions to feeders. Some say they’re fakes, or immoral idiots playing games; others say they’re all right as long as they feed responsibly. Most people feed unconsciously at some point in their lives, and some do so consciously; a “feeder” refers more to one who does so consistantly and usually consciously.

Then there are the psychic vampires. This is what I refer to when I say “vampire”. They have an energetic need and have great difficulty drawing from the usual energy sources. Most people get the energy they need from food, sleep, and a fairly constant subconscious give-and-take with their environment. PVs cannot get the necessary or healthy amount of energy from these usual sources. They have an energy deficiency, and there are a few theories as to what causes it. I and a couple of the PVs I associate with tend to agree with the Kheprian (see Michelle Belanger’s Psychic Vampire Codex) idea that this is caused by an altered chakra, usually a lower chakra such as the root. Call it a chakra, call it a wheel, an energy nexus, whatever you believe. For whatever reason, it’s altered to the point where the PV can’t draw on environmental/natural energy without great difficulty.

Would a PV sicken and die without feeding? I don’t know; I don’t think so. They can replenish their own energy stores and they can pull from environmental energy; the natural unconscious energy replenishment is simply defective, and it is extraordinarily difficult for them to pull from environmental energy. One PV I know gets splitting headaches if he pulls in earth energy; I don’t know if the same goes for other PVs. Generally, however, PVs pull energy unconsciously when they get to a certain point of need. The PVs I know try to take care of themselves, feeding on ambient energy, psychic energy given off by peoples’ emotions and actions. That’s free-floating energy, and taking it will inconvenience no one. If the vampire gets too low on energy, he might feed on one individual, sometimes involuntarily. I’ve seen and experienced this, and it leaves the person being drawn from drained, tired, and lethargic until their energy stores replenish naturally.

The PVs I am familiar with (offline, they number eight) are almost all intelligent, logical people. Only one of them is even remotely goth, and she avoids the goth scene. They aren’t obsessed with their nature; they live relatively normal lives; they range in age from 18 to mid-30’s. Most, if not all, don’t take part in the online vampire community. Some have psychological problems, some do not. A couple of them are the most stable, self-assured, well-adjusted people I know. At any rate, the PVs I am familiar with vary greatly in personality, background, outlook, and demeanor.

There are similarities, though. They all feed. They’re all adamant (sometimes even obsessive) about self-control, to the point of being control freaks when it comes to themselves, their psyches, and their abilities. They’re all arrogant on some level, even those with poor self-esteem, even though the arrogance might not be conscious or anything more than subtle.

What convinces me most that vampires are real, though, was the reaction I have had around every single one, usually before ever knowing they’re PVs. I go into a shift instantly around vampires, beak flaring out and arms cramping back into wings. After becoming familiar with an individual PV, such as with three of the aforementioned eight, I’ll usually only shift around them when their vampiric nature is brought to the forefront for whatever reason. I don’t react to feeders like I do to PVs, so it’s my thought that I’m reacting to the energy signature, or perhaps the altered chakra (which would contribute to the energy signature), or both. Yes, this is unsubstantiated personal gnosis, but I can only explain why I believe in vampires, not why others ought to.

So there’s my take on vampires. Take it as you will.

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