May 20, 2012 § Leave a comment
choking at my fingertips
my heart thrums them, they flow
through my veins, down my arms
clot together in the crackling ache
of my wrists, and I clench down
on them, refuse to let
them out, they’re
too sentimental, too
full of feeling –
This is the oddest crush I think I’ve ever had.
It’s not quite romantic,
nor quite that rush of hormones and endorphins.
There’s no sexual tension,
and I’m not even sure there’s any desire like that
on my part.
But it’s a crush, nonetheless,
strangely mental –
I once called myself sapiosexual,
attracted to minds and personalities and people
rather than bodies, but then I made peace
with my distinct preference towards the feminine
and dropped the identification –
this feels like that.
Attraction to an energy,
to an intellect,
to a disciplined Will and
a well-ordered mind.
I’ve always been fascinated,
but it’s grown into… this, this biting down on
words of liking, clenching back on
expressions of emotion, because
that’s not how our friendship is.
So I find my feelings leaking out
in hints of caring, disguised with a light tone
that I am both terrified and hopeful
will be recognized.